missyb

i was a sophomore in high school the day i new what i wanted to become .until that day setting on the wood bleachers with the rest of my small high school .i didn't know the way in which i wanted to spend the rest of my life was even a possibility. so there i was among the my dearest friend at an Assembly .the speaker walked to the middle of the gym and began to announce the future aspirations of some of the seniors that year. I can't remember any of them until he came to missyb and this is what changed my life forever. the bearded grey headed man standing there in the middle of a hot gymnasium said or like missyb you may want to be just a house wife and mommy. what was that ?is that really an option ?now missy b was a cute girl from a well respected family. who ran several local businesses. i don't recall why that speaker was there or what he spoke of for the rest of that assembly. i was dreaming of what a nice life misstb would be living .married to her already long time boyfriend in her nice little home with the white picket fence and her 2.5 kids.it was 1984 after all.now i can tell you missyb never became just a wife and mother. her husband left her with two kids to support on her own. we still live 30 minutes from each other and see each other around town often. i bet she would never guess that thanks to her and a greying bearded man i am just a wife and mommy and have been for the past 23 years thank you missy b thank you God.

friendsand fertility

I am always wanting more children not like as soon as i have one i do like sometime in between but there is always that desire and the fear that this will be the last i have been blessed a month or two of clomid and i am usually pregnant the problem is i have to go for months sometimes years before my doctor will give me more clomid it really ticks me off.now that i am 40 and just because i am 40 he will no longer treat me with clomid without me seeing an expensive specialist what a bunch of well you know the thing that makes me even madder is there is a six year gap between my last two children because he would not give me clomid after my fourth child it took me years to convince him then he put me on some other med that did not work and made me sick for a year then i miscarried so now my sweet girl is 15 months and while i wouldn't mind waiting a year longer i know i have to beg now for the clomid so while i am playing this doctors stupid control game i am praying for a natural blessing from God

we did get some great new Friday though some friend of ours who live in Germany are coming to the states this summer in June we cannot wait although their leaving will be bitter and i am sure the time with them will fly by it will be so nice to see them again after 2 years i would love to visit them in Germany but flying the seven of us over there would be expensive

40

Tomorrow I will be 40I hope I live to see all my babies turn 40.I hope I remember how i feel how i hate the thought of it how i try to fight it happening try to deny it like the suddent death of a loved one or a bad accident if you just wish hard enough maybe it would all go away maybe i would wake up to find it is all a bad dream but in reality it is here it is real i will be 40 very soon i know nothing will be different tomorrow .but i am not where i wanted to be at 40 i am not smart enough rich enough kind enough thin enough healthy enough close enough to God my family is not big enough my house is not clean enough and frankly my husband does not care enough.

40 things i love

1. God
2. husband
3. aj
4. savannah
5. nick
6. carson
7. ethan
8. grace anne
9. allen
10. mary faith
11. grandma carter grandpa carter the part of my child hood spent with them
12. thunder storms
13. the friend ship of my precious cat charlie
14. aunt star uncle immel and lazy summer days on their farm
15. conversations with my boys
16. dressing my curly girl in church dresses and white sweaters
17. rocking my baby to sleep
18. the waltons
19. spring and summer even early fall
20. lilacs tulips peonies
21. pam
22. a freshly decorated room
23. the smell of rain on the pine trees
24. the back yard of state street
25. in closed front porches
26. large bodies of water from the shore
27. witnessing my children's delight when they learn something new
28. the hearts of my kids my they always be pure
29. baptisms
30. amazing grace and the old rugged cross
31. survivor
32. chris neff and allen cosner
33. my nana
34. my sis brother nieces and nephews
35. maude trousdale and her strength
36. the sound and smell of washing laundry in the morning
37. waking up to sunlight on my face
38. a good Jerry movie
39. holding hands with my husband
40. feeling gods presence

the house is quit Mary plays at my feet the land and trees are covered with snow every one else is asleep as usual my mind wonders to my boy who is nearly a man how does the time move so quickly even my curly girl has no baby left in her everyday I see more of a teen in her than i care to admit but my little Mary cries now so i will go and take care of this last little one

reading

bible
Henry Huggins
the wind in the willows
pippi longstockings
percy jackson
a beka reading books

6 days till christmas

I woke to see a soft light snow falling the perfect kind of snow for walking in the woods dry and gentle .none of the house is up yet so it is peaceful and warm if a don't think about the messy rooms that need to be put in order and the piles of trash hubby must take to the dump.it will soon be Christmas and their is a lot to do but this time must be enjoyed too I still have little ones filled with magic hope and wonder and not so little ones experiencing their first glimpse of Christmas as a nearly there adult I don't want them to forget the magic of their childhood Christmas I want them to know the spirit of that magic lives in all of us and in spite of all the things us silly adults have turned this precious time of the year into it really is the most wonderful time of the year for our saviour was born and I want to celebrate that with all the glory I can muster

rambling

i don't know if this whole no caps not punctuating thing is really working for me or not i hate using caps because as i have said i don't type well at all how ever i'm a little worried that if someone where to try and read my blog they may not be able to with all the never ending sentences of course i am kind of hoping this blog could be just for me so now i guess i am rambling to myself good thing i am used to my own ramblings